I walk everywhere. I walk to work, I walk home from work. I walk into the city centre, I walk out of it. I hike in the countryside, I hike abroad. I hike on my own, I hike in groups.
Almost imperceptibly, I adjust my behaviour according to location, daylight hours, who I’m with. I’ve found places where I can walk alone in confidence, but still hold my breath when the figure of a lone man (or group of men) comes into view, and blow it out in relief when I get a cheerful ‘hi!’ from them.
I do what every woman does when walking alone – I make sure I’m in a lit area at night, I hold my body in readiness for potential assault, I sometimes hold keys if I feel under threat, I avoid eye contact with men, my pace quickens.
Now that the nights are drawing in I’ve had to adjust my route home to avoid a lit, but lonely path that runs up the side of a park. I’ve tried walking it as darkness falls, and it is simply too long for me to cope with the rising panic as I rush through it. There are sometimes couples who walk it and I make the most of the company, but in the end, it’s worth the extra half-mile walk to avoid it. That’s what I did last night.
I’m used to hearing men shouting as I walk – shouting into their phones, shouting at each other, shouting at me. I push my earphones in further and comfort myself in a great podcast. Sometimes they mouth obscene things at me while I’m listening to Woman’s Hour – “Ssh, the women are talking,” I think.
Last night, a man shouted things at me. I could sense, outside the busy tube station, that he’d singled me out for his unique attention. He had the mark of the crazy, and I told him to fuck off. Not content with just shouting, he slapped/pushed me on the back, twice, and I turned to the nearest person in the crowd, a man, to ask for help. He looked at me blankly, as though I wasn’t actually there.
I had to run, fast, into the nearest Sainsbury’s. Thank goodness I’ve ditched trying to walk in man-pleaser heels and now wear trainers when I’m travelling. I was able to sprint headlong into the supermarket, where the high-vis-jacketed security guard muttered, “he’s always out there”, and followed me out. His response was to slap/push him on the back to move him on.
A man I’d originally asked for help joined us, saying, “oh he’s always here, he’s harmless.” “Is he?” I say, “because I can put up with men shouting because I’m wearing earphones but when it comes to hitting me, I don’t think that’s harmless.” Cue blank looks from both men. Another man joins us and watches the crazy stumble up the road. He recognises him too, and tells me he’d have ‘punched him’ if he’d witnessed what he’d done.
“He’s harmless, he’s gone now. Are you going to get the bus?”
“No I want to walk home.”
“Ok, I’ll watch while you walk.”
My brain momentarily processes a stream of men passing me, making eye contact, as potential attackers but it doesn’t last for long. I ponder the look on the guys’ faces back at Sainsbury’s – like they were holding their breath, waiting for me to get angry, hoping I wouldn’t. Maybe hoping I wouldn’t have a massive rant about men who attack women on the streets and men who make excuses for them.
I wonder if I should’ve phoned the police, or if that would just making a fuss. The same thought passed through my head when I was flashed at a few years ago while on a solo walk. A man I’d asked for help told me I should. This time online friends (pocket friends!) tell me I should. I call the non-emergency line of the Met Police. They log the crime and promise to call me back.
I get home and post a quick description of what happened on Facebook. The comments are so predictable. Instant support and outraged comments from a stream of female friends and that same handful of supportive gay and straight male friends whom I know won’t shy away from the topic. Then the silence from all the other men who don’t want to get involved.
They don’t know how much it means to a woman just to have this stuff acknowledged. Just to have a man say, yes, this happened to you, yes, I think it’s shit, and yes, I stand next to you in outrage and I do not like that it happens. For some reason they often feel personally responsible for it, as though they themselves have committed some outrage for which they should feel ashamed.
I wonder if the silent men are thinking, “What was she doing to attract that attention? Why didn’t she just shrug it off and walk on? Why is she sharing it on here? Why didn’t she just get on a bus?” A little bit of victim-blaming to ease their consciences. For the avoidance of doubt, I am not getting on a bus because women should not be getting off the streets just to stop men attacking them. It’s not us that need the curfew.
A man did it. It’s always a man. It’s #notallmen but it’s always a man. As soon as I got into the office today a colleague told me about her story of being chased along a tube station platform by a man. When I was flashed at, women of my acquaintance reported that it had also happened to them, some of them THAT DAY. They hadn’t bothered to say anything because it’s such a regular occurrence, let alone report it.
Men we know can’t believe it happens, and that it does so so frequently. I once live-tweeted my street harassment throughout the course of a day. It happened, on average, every half an hour, on a lone walk. My followers were astonished.
These men get you when you’re on your own. Not necessarily in a lonely place, but you’re on your own. It can happen on a bus, a tube, in a crowd, in a shop, in darkness or in full daylight on a busy street. But you are always on your own. Every woman I know has a story like this.
Just believe us. It makes it all so much easier.
3 thoughts on “Walk a Mile in my Shoes”
This makes me rage – no matter how often it happens, the injustice makes me smart with tears and unthrown punches. I know violence doesn’t help but it doesn’t stop my arms itching and my jaw tensing. And yes, I have my own story, more than one, I dont’ know a woman who doesn’t.
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You raise some brilliant and pertinent points Lisa that are sadly a norm in today’s society. British society has moved on in many ways but we’re largely still ‘Victorian’ when it comes to the treatment of women. Every woman should have the courage and support to report and speak up about bad things that happen to them, the perpetrators dealt with by our judicial and mental health system etc. Hopefully by reporting the man, something will change and although that shouldn’t have happened to you, hopefully it’s stops that happening to someone else who may not be as strong as you. Sadly I think it’s generally women’s ingrained inferences are like you infer that they will not be taken seriously, be judged or reap bad consequences stops them and no wonder. You only have to talk to read social media, friends, colleagues, the paper to see why that is ingrained in us. I fear we’re a very long way from a healthy society in this respect but we all have a responsibility to pave the way forward. My daughter is 10 and I worry about raising a girl in today’s world. I’m so far doing well and always instilling strong values of equality and what is and isn’t acceptable in society. A small example but too often she comes home from school telling me she corrected her teacher when allowances are made for the boys and says “it’s because they’re boys” or “they’re just boys”. She never accepts anyone saying “boys will be boys” or that the girls have certain tasks like cleaning up while the boys play around. The other day a boy hit her over the head saying “stupid girl”. Yes they’re kids and yes genetically males and females are different but values and behaviours to each other should not be any different regardless of gender.
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That’s awful, and I do believe you.
I’m no closer to understanding how or why it happens but I can’t see any reason to deny it, you were there, or to try to put any blame on you as you were only getting about your business.
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